


(I'm begging you) Let me lose my mind

by HopeSilverheart



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Always a Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Universe, Dark, Derek Hale Loves Stiles Stilinski, Dubious Morality, Established Relationship, Hints of Stiles/Void, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mind Games, Nogitsune Trauma, Possession, Post-Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, The return of the nogitsune, conflicted stiles, in a way at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27410119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: “Is it me?”There was no doubt in his mind that as soon as the pack had suspected the nogitsune’s return, they had spent their days and nights observing his behaviour. It made sense, really. He’d been weak enough to get possessed once, so why not twice? The spirit knew his body, knew his mind, knew just how to get in and lock him away when they needed to be up front.He was the most likely suspect, and the pack had to know it.Or: The nogitsune is back; Stiles and Derek have to deal with the consequences.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 8
Kudos: 94





	(I'm begging you) Let me lose my mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Carifusaga](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carifusaga/gifts).



The pack had been on edge all week.

They’d been sending him anxious glances, sneaking out to secret meetings when they thought he wouldn’t notice, discussing things and turning quiet every time he neared them. He had no idea what was going on, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t like it in the slightest.

However, he liked _not knowing_ even less. He’d had dozens of conversations with Scott and Derek about not leaving him out just because he was human, but it seemed it still hadn’t gotten through to them. It really wasn’t that hard to understand, especially for two people as observant and astute as Scott and Derek, so Stiles knew this was completely purposeful.

They hadn’t left him out because they thought he was too weak to help them. They’d left him out because whatever was happening had something to do with him, somehow, and they were afraid he’d be too fragile to handle it.

Unfortunately for them, the last thing Stiles wanted was to be treated like some porcelain doll who had to be handled delicately at all times. _Fortunately_ , they at least appeared to have expected him to say something eventually.

They certainly didn’t seem very surprised when he finally managed to corner them away from the rest of the pack.

“How long were you going to keep this charade going?” He raised his eyebrows, completely unimpressed by Scott’s sheepish smile and Derek’s bored gaze. “Seriously, what is it going to take for you to start treating me a little more like a member of your pack and a little less like a human who gets let in on the joke only when it works in your favour?”

“Stiles, you know we just-”

“This isn’t a _joke_ , Stiles,” Derek interrupted the younger Alpha, flashing red eyes at Stiles and only earning himself a dismissive eyeroll. Stiles hadn’t been afraid of that particular shade of crimson for _months_. “I’m serious; we’re dealing with a powerful supernatural threat, and we were just trying to make things easier on all of us. We keep you out of things because we don’t want you to get ahead of yourself and do something we’ll all regret in the long run.”

Once upon a time, Derek’s words would have cut straight through Stiles’ heart. They would have made him question his worth and his usefulness to the pack and everything his friends had ever told him. Thankfully, those days were long over. The alpha’s words still stung – they always did – but they no longer made Stiles feel like he was losing himself.

Besides, he had long learned that the best way to get rid of the pain was to fight back, no matter how hopeless the fight seemed. And this fight?

This fight wasn’t hopeless at all.

“As much as I appreciate your concern,” he said, adding a little more bite than strictly necessary to his voice. “And as much as I understand why you might be afraid of me… acting out, I also think we would all benefit from keeping _everyone_ in the loop. Keeping secrets has never ended well for the pack and you both know it.”

“What we both know is that you’ve always acted far too rashly for-”

“He has a point, Derek.” Scott was the one to cut the other alpha off this time, shooting the older werewolf a pleading glance. “We can’t pick and choose who gets to fight which battles. And we both know this one is even more delicate than usual.”

“Which is exactly why we agreed _not_ to tell Stiles about it,” Derek rubbed his face tiredly. “But fine. I refuse to argue with you about this, however I’m going to have to insist that Stiles and I have this conversation in private and away from the pack.”

“Wha- _Fine_ ,” Scott grumbled, momentarily turning his pout on Stiles before patting them both on the back and suggesting they go back to Stiles’ house.

That alone had Stiles even more on edge than the secrecy the pack had been upholding all week.

Stiles’ house wasn’t exactly off limits when it came to pack matters, but it was- It was different. Stiles’ house was a safe space, a place where he went when he needed to be alone, a place where he loved and lived and pretended to be a normal teenager when things got bad.

Stiles’ house was where he and Derek watched movies and snuck kisses when his dad wasn’t watching; it was happy and it had been mostly demon free for the past year or so. For Scott to suggest having a supernatural-related conversation there, and for Derek to _agree_? Well, the situation had to be even worse than anything Stiles had imagined.

(And he’d imagined some pretty terrible things, if he could say so himself.)

“Is your dad home?” Derek asked, hesitating just as they were about to leave the loft. “If so, I’m sure this can wait a day longer.”

“He’s at work and you know it,” Stiles answered, trying not to sound _too_ impatient or frustrated. Clearly, something about the danger they were in was making everyone act a little out of character, and Stiles didn’t want to risk upsetting Derek just because he couldn’t wait a few minutes longer.

The werewolf didn’t say anything as he nodded, visibly smoothed his features over, and took Stiles’ hand before leading him out of the loft and towards the jeep.

Stiles had never liked the silence, but something told him Derek needed the ride over to think things over and figure their problem out – whatever their problem _was_. He could live with fifteen minutes of quiet. He wouldn’t enjoy those fifteen minutes, but he could push through them for his lover’s sake. His anxiety didn’t quite agree, but Stiles managed to valiantly shove it back for the length of time it took to get to his house.

Still, he didn’t think he’d ever had such a tense drive with Derek by his side, and that was saying something. After all, he and Derek had had their fair share of drives and even more tense conversations.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?” He asked as he parked in front of his house, glancing over at a nervous-looking Derek. “Or are you going to change your mind and try to convince me to do something else instead? Because let me tell you right now; no amount of kisses will get me to back off from this. Do you understand?”

“I know, Stiles,” Derek sighed. “I’m not stupid, alright? I know you deserve to know, even though I wish you could just stay out of things this time. And yes, I know that’s never going to happen. It’s the only reason I caved so easily. If I’d thought there was even a chance of you leaving well enough alone, I wouldn’t have driven us all the way here.”

“To my house,” Stiles gulped, staring back at the place he’d called home almost all his life.

“To your house, yes,” Derek confirmed, sending him a confused glance. “Is that a problem?”

“No, no,” he answered immediately, shaking his head to emphasise his point before stepping out of the jeep and heading towards the front door on shaky legs. “Nothing wrong with having a serious, potentially traumatising conversation in my house. None whatsoever.”

“You know I can hear you even when you’re whispering, right?” Derek raised an imperious eyebrow at him, easily catching up to Stiles and matching his stride.

“Yes, Derek, I’m very aware that you can hear everything I say no matter how quietly I’m speaking,” Stiles smiled dryly. “But thank you for the reminder. Now, where shall this lovely conversation happen? Are we thinking living room for maximum dramatic effect if my dad walks in? Or are we going bedroom so my nightmares are exacerbated tonight? I really think they both have their pros and cons.”

“Stiles…”

“Oh, are you thinking _kitchen_?” Stiles rambled on, unlocking the door and making for the fridge without a second thought. “You know what, you may be onto something. Having snacks at hand might be for the best, especially if there are some stomach-turning events to make us throw them all up seconds later.”

“Stiles, I really think you should just sit down.”

“Yes, I know _that_. The question is where I’m supposed to be sitting down. What is it going to be? Kitchen table, living room couch, or the bed where we had sex less than 48 hours ago?”

“You can always change your mind,” Derek murmured, placing his arms on Stiles’ shoulders and levelling him with a serious stare. “We can probably handle this more quickly than last time, and then we can all go back to the way our lives should be, with you helping us every step of the way.”

“ _Last time_?” Stiles breathed out, his eyes widening as he took in Derek’s horror-struck face. His boyfriend shifted nervously again, his gaze sliding away from Stiles’ in a mixture of guilt and reluctance, and Stiles-

Stiles knew.

There was only one threat they’d faced that would have the pack so afraid and unwilling to tell him about the problem. There was only one threat that could have made _Stiles_ a problem. There was only one creature out there, only one soul, who could make Derek look as scared as he had for a split second when Stiles had spoken those two words.

There was only one spirit out there who could have come back.

“How long- how long do you think they’ve been back for?” His voice broke as he spoke, but Derek seemed to know better than to comment on it. “How long have they been roaming around the city, taunting us with their return?”

“We think it’s been at least two weeks,” Derek admitted quietly, capturing one of Stiles’ trembling hands in his and cupping his cheek with the other. “But it’s not as bad this time; we think it’s weaker and unsure and incapable of calling on the onis the same way as it could before.”

 _It_. Like they were an object, a non-sentient entity, just some _thing_. Like they hadn’t taken over Stiles’ mind and broken it down bit by bit until there was nothing left for him to live on. Like they weren’t the pack’s worst fear, deep down. Like they weren’t the reason Allison was dead, the reason why Scott could barely look at Stiles sometimes, the reason why he still – to this day – had nightmares of their return.

Stiles still didn’t know much about the nogitsune, but he knew that although they were more fox-like than any soul Stiles had ever encountered, they weren’t an _animal_. Far from it, in fact.

Not that Derek would know. Not that he would want to know.

So instead of correcting his lover and making him worry any more than he needed to, Stiles just asked the obvious.

“Is it me?”

There was no doubt in his mind that as soon as the pack had suspected the nogitsune’s return, they had spent their days and nights observing his behaviour. It made sense, really. He’d been weak enough to get possessed once, so why not twice? The spirit knew his body, knew his mind, knew just how to get in and lock him away when they needed to be up front.

He was the most likely suspect, and the pack had to know it.

“Stiles, _Stiles_ ,” Derek’s fingers tightened against his jaw, and Stiles’ gaze snapped back to the werewolf’s. “It’s not you. We both know it’s not you. I’ve been keeping an eye on your behaviour and your sleep and any strange movements you might have made, and it’s not you. Besides, you would know, wouldn’t you? You would know if it was back.”

Stiles opened his mouth to speak, but he knew even before he tried that no words would come out.

Because he should have- he should have been _relieved_. Derek was right; he would have known if the nogitsune was back, if Void had taken residence inside his mind. He would have felt it, would have experienced the black-outs and the fear of losing himself to the darkness. He would have known far before the pack figured things out themselves.

So, he should have been relieved. He was still himself, and wasn’t that the best news of the century? For once in his life, something had gone right. Void was back, but at least Stiles was still Stiles.

Yet, all he could feel was a soul-deep ache. All he could think of was the time he’d spent stuck in his own mind, begging to be let out only to learn how to live behind closed doors. Derek was saying something, probably worrying again, but Stiles couldn’t focus on anything other than the loss thrumming through his body and beating in tandem with his heart.

They were back, they were close, they were _here_ , but Stiles was still Stiles. And if he was still himself, then it meant Void had chosen someone else. They’d picked a body to possess, and it hadn’t been him.

The relief refused to come, and so did his words.

“Stiles, hey, look at me.” Derek’s voice cut through the haze of Stiles’ thoughts, and he blinked rapidly, hoping it would help him focus on his boyfriend again. Everything was a little blurry, but Stiles figured that was as good as it would get for a while. “What just happened? Did you remember something? Have you had blackouts you didn’t tell us about? Did you see something, or hear something, or did someone approach you that usually doesn’t?”

“No, no, it’s not-” he bit down on his bottom lip to stop himself from saying something completely insane. Derek loved him, but there were some things better kept to oneself, and this was definitely one of them. The less Derek knew about the time Stiles and Void had shared, the better. “It’s nothing; I just don’t understand who else it could be. Do you have any leads? What makes you so sure that it’s Void- the nogitsune, if I’ve been behaving completely normally?”

Something flashed in Derek’s eyes for a second, a hint of pride or love or _something_ , but Stiles was in no state to analyse it – let alone address it.

“We found a message,” Derek admitted with a wince. “It took me a while to place it, but then it hit me that they weren’t sentences I’d heard myself. They were things _you_ told me about, back when we were trying to…”

“Back when you were trying to help me move past the trauma, yes,” Stiles completed for him. “So whoever we’re dealing with is using the same sentences as Void, so what?”

“Stiles, how many people know about what happened in your own mind?” Derek whispered, looking at Stiles almost _pityingly_.

“I mean, it’s just- Just you and me,” he grit his teeth. “But we can’t be sure, Derek. It could still be someone else, someone new. After all, what could the nogitsune possibly want with us? And why wouldn’t it have shown itself already? If it was seeking revenge, surely it would have approached us or attacked or _something_.”

Derek hummed thoughtfully, but Stiles knew he was looking for excuses that didn’t exist, trying to justify the unjustifiable.

Only three people in the world knew about Void’s taunts, and Stiles knew Derek wouldn’t play with him or the pack like that. The messages were real, and so was the threat. Void was back.

(And Stiles was still Stiles).

“It’s unlikely someone from the pack is being possessed,” Derek continued after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. “Foxes and wolves don’t get along, and Lydia’s behaviour has been exemplary. Either the nogitsune has gotten a lot more subtle, or it’s selected someone outside of our direct group of friends. Neither explanation makes much sense to me, but I don’t pretend to know what’s going on inside its mind. Or- Well, you know what I mean.”

“I do,” Stiles waved his boyfriend’s guilty grimace away. “But what you’re saying is we have no leads? Nothing other than the messages? And I’m guessing those were found in places we frequent, right? Because whether they’ve shown their face or not, Void _is_ looking for revenge, or closure, or something to do with us. If not, they would have chosen another town to terrorise.”

“Scott found the first, Isaac the second, and Lydia just told us about the door riddle earlier today,” Derek said softly. “We were all so worried about you, we spent most of our time keeping you safe and away from the messages until they could be taken care of. We were going to tell you eventually, Stiles, we just hoped- We hoped we could get rid of it first.”

“You hoped- _ha_ ,” Stiles let out a loud laugh at the mere thought of Void leaving before they could see Stiles.

There weren’t a lot of people who were obsessed with Stiles, not a lot who would pay to see him and mess with him, but Void was one of them. Void was _the one_. If they were in town, they wouldn’t leave until they could have taunted Stiles in person at least once.

“You know now,” Derek huffed. “That’ll have to be enough. You can help us come up with theories and look for the new host and create strategies to destroy it for good. For now though, I think we should get some sleep. The rest of the pack will want to hear whatever you have to say.”

“Sounds fine by me,” Stiles shrugged, far too exhausted to even _think_ about planning Void’s inevitable end.

There was enough conflict going on inside his mind already; an argument with Derek about how they should handle things was the last thing he needed. Stiles didn’t turn down a chance to plot and strategize very often, but even he had his limits, and Void-

Void had a way of bringing him to the very edge of his mind without even trying.

“Can I stay?” Derek whispered, pressing his forehead to Stiles’. “I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to be alone right now.”

“You can stay,” Stiles replied unhesitatingly.

He wanted to be alone. _God_ , he wanted to be alone to think things through and cry and get two days’ worth of sleep. He wanted everyone else to forget he existed for a little while, just until he figured out why Void hadn’t chosen him and why they were back and what they were going to do to him.

However, he knew Derek would suspect something was off the second Stiles asked him to leave, and the last thing the younger man needed was an overprotective boyfriend on his back.

He could make it through the night without having the answers to all his questions.

He _could_.

* * *

Stiles woke with a gasp, struggling to breathe as his eyes were greeted with nothing but darkness.

He couldn’t remember a single second of his sleep, but it didn’t take a genius to understand that the nightmares were back with a vengeance. Derek’s presence tended to help, but there were nights when even that wasn’t enough. His lover made things better, but better didn’t always mean okay.

And when it came to Void, very few things were _okay_. Not the dreams, not the sleepwalking, not the fear, not the loss of oneself, not the helplessness, not the _grief,_ the _guilt_ , the _jealousy_.

Because despite everything his mind was telling him, despite all the reasons why it was wrong, ridiculous, disturbing and frankly a little worrying, Stiles was jealous. He was jealous of someone he didn’t even know who was probably going through hell as he breathed.

Sometimes, he wondered how much of himself Void had taken when he’d left Stiles in a shell of what he’d once been. How much of his sanity remained? How much of his heart could be trusted? How many of his thoughts belonged to him, and how many were echoes of things Void had once whispered to him?

He wondered if the others noticed, if they could see the differences between Stiles before Void and Stiles after. Maybe they just ignored it and pretended it was leftover trauma. Maybe they actually _believed_ it was leftover trauma. After all, what reason did they have to believe that an entire chunk of Stiles was gone? They’d already seen so much of him fade away as Void took over, and it wasn’t impossible that they’d just forgotten.

Hell, even Stiles himself had forgotten what he used to be like. Had he been happier? Less anxious? Had he worried less? He wished he could see himself back then, back when the darkness was just something to explore and his mind was something he could trust. He wished he could remember what it was like to find out about the nogitsune and be horrified rather than envious.

“Stiles?”

The brunet startled at the sound of Derek’s voice. Honestly, he’d almost forgotten his boyfriend had decided to stay the night to make sure they were both alright. Derek tended to sleep like the dead when they were at the house, and Stiles had never had to worry about waking him in the middle of the night before. It was one of the things Derek had always tried to change, because ‘ _I can help with the nightmares, Stiles_ ’, but Stiles had never had the heart to disturb his well-deserved sleep.

The fact that he’d woken up spoke volumes on how badly the situation had been bothering him. For a second, Stiles wondered how many days it had been since Derek had gotten a proper night’s sleep.

The dark circles hadn’t shocked him back then, but they made a lot more sense now that he’d been let in on the pack’s lovely secret.

“Hey, just go back to sleep,” Stiles mumbled, stroking his boyfriend’s hair softly and praying that the alpha would leave well enough alone. “It was probably nothing; I’m just hyperaware and a little anxious. I promise we can talk all about my problems in the morning if you go back to sleep now. You look like you haven’t slept in days, and we’re all going to need to be healthy and focused if we want to deal with- Well, if we want to go back to normal in the near future.”

“Normal’s overrated,” Derek scoffed, sounding strangely awake for someone who’s sleep had only _just_ been disturbed. “None of us are normal anyways.”

“Right,” Stiles nodded exhaustedly. “You make a good point, but I really need to get some sleep and so do you. I know you well enough to recognise signs of sleep deprivation, Derek, and it’s not a good look on you. Just… Hold your thoughts until tomorrow morning, alright?”

“Whatever you want,” Derek said, his voice barely louder than a whisper as he pulled Stiles back down to lay next to him. “I sleep better when you’re in my arms, you know that.”

“I do know that,” Stiles chuckled, revelling in the first sliver of joy and normalcy he’d felt all night. “You’re worse than Scott, and that man clings onto anyone like a koala when given the chance. But don’t worry, okay? I’ll still be right here when you wake up, or I’ll be down in the kitchen making us both the breakfast of our lives.”

“Hmm,” Derek hummed softly. “Stiles?”

“Derek?”

“Everyone has it, but no one can lose it. What is it?”

Stiles’ breath hitched in his throat at the question, his hairs standing up and his heart lurching uncomfortably as his boyfriend’s arms tightened around his waist.

Stiles hadn’t been afraid of Derek’s touch in years, but as the man’s fingers dug into his skin and his words rang repeatedly in his ears, he wanted nothing more than to get away from the familiar body.

“That’s not funny, Derek,” he croaked out, hoping he didn’t sound half as scared as he thought he did. “I don’t care how tired you are right now or how mess up your mind is; you can’t say things like that when they’re out there, probably listening to all our conversations.”

“Oh, isn’t _that_ an astute comment,” Derek’s voice said, unwavering and strong and so un-Derek like it almost hurt. “Smartest man in the room, and _that’s_ the best you can come up with?”

“This isn’t real,” Stiles breathed, raising his shaking hands to his face and letting out a soft keen when he counted to ten once, twice, three times. “This isn’t real. I’m dreaming. Void can’t live inside a werewolf body, that’s- That’s the whole _thing_. Foxes and wolves don’t mix, and the pack is safe because Void can’t get anywhere near most of us. This is a dream or you’re playing some sick joke on me and I’m going to kill you. But this isn’t- This isn’t real.”

“I thought I’d taught you all about separating the truth from the lies,” Derek’s voice sighed disappointedly. “And I thought you had more brains than this, little _kitsune_.”

“Don’t call me that,” Stiles hissed, finally managing to extract himself from Derek’s arms. “And I don’t know what you mean. As far as I’m aware, nogitsunes are still foxes, and werewolves are still wolves, and you shouldn’t be here at all. You _aren’t_ here at all. This is just a dream.”

“You still dream of me?” Derek grinned, looking too satisfied for someone who should have been asleep.

He should have been asleep. And maybe he was. Maybe they both were and Stiles was hallucinating this entire interaction, or maybe Derek had finally decided to get back at him for all the times Stiles had messed with him. All Stiles knew was this wasn’t possible.

Derek was still Derek. He had to be.

“See, here’s the thing,” the hallucination – dream – continued when Stiles failed to say anything, too busy trying to pinch himself awake or find a sign that he was stuck inside his own mind again. “Do you know how diseases work, Stiles? Do you know how one becomes immune to them?”

“They catch it,” he answered, his voice almost unintelligible even to his own ears. “Your immune system learns to fight it until it mutates.”

“ _Right_ ,” Derek snapped his fingers, his smile widening. “Lucky me, werewolf genes are already a mutation in themselves, and they haven’t changed once in the entire time I have graced this earth. So, little _kitsune_ , what do you think happened when you turned my body into a werewolf? When you turned yourself into a werewolf? Did you really think there wouldn’t be consequences to the little trick you pulled?”

“One can always hope,” Stiles said as sarcastically as he could manage. “Let’s say I go with your explanation. Let’s say I believe you and this isn’t all a dream. What do you want?”

“Ah-ah, that would ruin the entire game,” Derek pouted. The movement looked wrong on his lips, almost unnatural, as though his mouth hadn’t been made to accommodate such a childish gesture. “But I’m willing to answer a few of your questions if you play along nicely.”

“You mean if I answer your questions in return,” Stiles laughed mirthlessly. “You forget that I know all your little mind games by now, Void. I was you just as long as you were me.”

“Ooh, would you rather we go on a trip down memory lane?” Derek’s voice exclaimed gleefully. “I do _love_ thinking about all the good times we spent together. Do you have a favourite, or is it a toss-up? Because I have a particular fondness for the look on your father’s face when he realised you were gone for good. Or maybe how easy it was to fool Melissa into thinking you were back. Any opinions? I’m willing to go for either of those as our memory of the year.”

“You’ve been gone for far longer than a year,” Stiles pointed out, gesturing at himself as though he’d changed at all in that time. “Now, how about we cut to the chase, huh? I would love to play this memory game, but I have a feeling you want something else, so what is it? If it’s my body, you can have it as long as you let Derek go.”

“Oh no, little _kitsune_ , that’s not how this works,” Void-Derek tutted gently. “I have my reasons for choosing this body and, as delightful as you look, staying right where I am will prove to be far more entertaining in the long run.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want to ruin your entertainment, would we?” Stiles bit out, trying to keep his bitterness in check.

Void knew him better than anyone did, Derek included, and they would know the _second_ he started lying. If Stiles even said one wrong word, the kitsune would jump on the opportunity to mess with his mind, and that was the last thing he and Derek needed at the moment.

Void thrived on chaos, and that included the chaotic state of Stiles’ mind. If he wanted to keep the upper hand in this already unfair conversation, he needed t remember that the nogitsune’s return was a bad thing. A terrible thing. Something none of them wanted to happen.

Nothing about this scenario was good.

(Maybe if Stiles kept telling himself that, it would stop sounding like a lie in his own mind.)

“You’ve got something on your mind,” Void-Derek tilted their head to the side, considering Stiles carefully. “I would know, since I was on it for so long. Tell me, little _kitsune_ , what’s bothering you? It’s not this whole possession thing, is it? Because I thought we were long past that. It’s the only reason I inched your dear boyfriend in the right direction. Poor wolf was going to keep all the fun from you until the very end.”

“No, that’s not right- He said- He _told me_ ,” Stiles clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath before speaking again. The nogitsune was just trying to get into his mind just as it had countless times in the past. Derek had told him about the situation, and he had been Derek when he’d done it. Void had nothing to do with any of that. “We’re getting off track. What do I need to do to get you to leave him?”

“My, my, someone’s being awfully persistent tonight,” Void-Derek chuckled. “Why are you so desperate to get me out of here, my little _kitsune_? Does it bother you that much to know your lover is sharing a body with the only person who truly knows you? I thought you’d be excited.”

“Believe me, excitement is the last thing I feel right now,” Stiles curled his lip. “Maybe I just don’t want to have to worry about who I’m kissing ever time my boyfriend comes near me. So why don’t we make things easier on everyone and just… negotiate a switch? I know you can do it, Void. I know you can choose which body to possess at any given time.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Stiles knew he should have kept quiet. He’d been walking a narrow path ever since Derek had been pushed to the back of his mind, and every word he’d spoken had only knocked him further off balance. He should have just _stayed quiet_ , because now-

Now, Void-Derek was staring at him with curious and triumphant eyes, red bleeding into them momentarily before they turned the darkest shade of black Stiles had ever seen. The figure in front of him was smiling wider than Derek ever had, and Stiles knew it was only a matter of time before all hopes of him backtracking were shattered.

They knew.

“You _want_ me to choose you, don’t you?” Void-Derek grinned, crawling closer to the end of the bed where Stiles had settled and reaching a hand out. Stiles flinched, but he knew it was only a matter of time before he caved and let this shadow of his boyfriend do whatever they wished with him. “Oh, you’re desperate to have me back near you, so don’t act shy now. You’re not angry because I chose your boyfriend, you’re angry because I didn’t choose you.”

He couldn’t defend himself. There wasn’t a single thing he could say that would change Void’s mind now that the thought was out there. Stiles had stuttered and he’d faltered and he’d given himself away.

And the thing about giving oneself away? Once it was done, there wasn’t anything to do about it. All Stiles could do was sit there, Void-Derek’s fingers inches away from his lips, praying that this was all a nightmare.

“Oh, my little _kitsune_ , it’s not that I didn’t want you,” Void-Derek cooed, closing the distance between them and forcefully cupping Stiles’ chin until he gave in and looked back into those pitch-black eyes. “You know I could never care for someone the way I care for you. But don’t you think it’s better like this, where I can touch you and feel you and talk to you without having to lock you up? Don’t you like being free with me, Stiles?”

Had he been good, the answer would have been easy. Scott wouldn’t have hesitated, and neither would have anyone else from the pack. Not even Derek. They would have spit in Void’s face, would have pushed him away, would have denied all his accusations and fought until they could get Derek to come back to the front of his own mind.

But Stiles wasn’t them, and he definitely wasn’t good.

As much as it pained him to admit it, and as sick as Void-Derek’s touch made him feel, Stiles craved more. He wanted to be closer, somehow, wanted to feel that sweet darkness again. It was right there, just out of his reach, and he wanted nothing more than to get lost in it over and over again until he couldn’t remember who he was.

Having Void near made Stiles feel more alive than anything had in a very long time, but it was nothing compared to having Void _with_ him. It was similar, but it was far from the same, and it wasn’t enough.

He’d always thought-

“I always thought you gave me this body for a reason,” he whispered. “You beat me, you had me, yet you decided to create this body for me. You decided to make me healthy and sane and _me_. I always thought it was because you were coming back. I always hop- You were supposed to choose me. They were never supposed to go through this pain.”

“I knew you’d appreciate the body,” Void-Derek smiled softly, the sight so familiar that Stiles almost threw himself into their arms out of habit. “It’s quite pretty, isn’t it? It was one of the reasons I loved being _us_ so much. You were perfect in every way, with just enough darkness that creeping in was the easiest thing in the world.”

“It’s still there,” Stiles breathed out. “You never really left; it’s still right there, waiting to be taken. Just please, _please-_ ”

“Stiles Stilinski, begging to lose his own mind,” the nogitsune’s eyes lit up with ecstasy. “I never thought I would see the day. But it’s not as simple as that, my little _kitsune_. My darkness may have never left your mind, but it did leave your body when I gave you a new one. I was able to possess you not because of your thoughts, but because of your heart. Your heart was dark, but this one is not.”

“Derek’s heart isn’t-”

“It is,” Void-Derek breathed in deeply, shivering in what seemed like pure pleasure. “Oh, it _is_. He will never be as good as you, my perfect little fox, but his heart is much darker than yours ever could be. Werewolves may be kind and docile and capable of love, but their hearts will always be darker than a human’s. It’s simple supernatural logic, Stiles.”

“Right,” he scoffed, shaking his head as he wondered what on earth he was doing.

He should have called Scott the second he realised what was going on. He should have at least tried to wake Derek up from the unconscious state he was locked in. He shouldn’t have engaged in a conversation with an entity who wanted revenge and who had caused more grief and loss in the pack’s lives than almost anyone else in the world.

Void wasn’t his friend. They weren’t his family, they weren’t someone he loved, and they weren’t someone he trusted.

(They weren’t someone he _should_ have trusted.)

Yet, he knew he wouldn’t stop until he was forced to. Not because he didn’t love Derek, and not because he enjoyed the thought of Void touching him, not even because he wanted answers to questions only Void could answer. No, he wouldn’t stop because he _couldn’t_.

He couldn’t stand the idea of Void leaving again, and he couldn’t stand the idea of not trying to convince them to leave Derek for a while longer.

Maybe it made him evil, maybe it meant his heart was more rotten than anyone else’s, but he couldn’t do it. Void was just as much a part of him as he himself was, and despite how loudly his brain was screaming at him to run and hide and get away from the monster in front of him, Stiles couldn’t do it.

“I haven’t done anything wrong, little _kitsune_ ,” Void-Derek murmured, moving his free hand to stroke Stiles’ neck just the way he loved it. “You know I haven’t. I’ve stayed dormant most of the time, and I’ve kept your lover man as healthy as I possibly can. He hasn’t even realised he’s losing time yet, Stiles. There’s no reason for things to change. Just think of all the mischief we could cause together.”

“We could cause more of it if we didn’t have to worry about Derek waking up,” Stiles retorted before he could think better of it, cursing himself internally as he decided to keep going. “And we both now you’re far from innocent. You killed Allison and plenty of innocents who never asked for this kind of darkness in their lives. You took my mind, you destroyed my body, you tricked us all until we couldn’t even trust each other. You ruin everything you touch, and I refuse to let you ruin Derek too.”

“Oh, he’s perfectly fine,” Void-Derek assured him, patting their own chest to punctuate their statement. “And you’re hardly ruined, little _kitsune_. In fact, you’re the most treasurable being in this whole town, and I don’t say that lightly. As for all those people… Are you sure that was me? You were there too, after all.”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Stiles hissed. “I was tucked away at the back of my mind, unable to move and think and speak. You killed them, not me.”

“Perhaps,” Void-Derek admitted, a small smile still curling at their lips. “But you enjoyed it. So, why don’t we see where this new adventure takes us? Your little werewolf needs _some_ sleep to survive, but I’ll be back before you know it. In the blink of an eye, in fact. I promise I’ll be right here every step of the way.”

“Wonderful,” Stiles said dryly, even as his mind skipped a beat in anticipation. “But what if I tell him? What if I tell all of them?”

“You won’t,” Void-Derek smiled, laying down and winking at Stiles conspiratorially and then-

Then they were gone, and Derek was blinking up at Stiles with his beautiful hazel eyes, sleepiness written all over his features. His gaze softened when it settled on Stiles, and a loving smile tugged at his lips, and Stiles knew Void had been right.

He wasn’t going to tell anyone until it was far too late.

“Hey, it’s still late,” he whispered, hoping his emotions weren’t painted all over his face. “Go back to sleep, alright? I love you.”

“I love you too,” Derek mumbled, closing his eyes without hesitation, trusting Stiles to know what was best for him even after years of only relying on himself.

He looked so peaceful, sleeping in Stiles’ room like it was where he belonged. If Stiles hadn’t known any better, he would have thought he really _had_ dreamed Void up again. Had he been any more naïve, he would have blamed it all on the stress of the day and pretended like he hadn’t just had a conversation with the being who had ruined his life.

Unfortunately, he _did_ know better.

Void was back, Derek was going to lose himself a little more every day, and despite everything-

Despite everything, Stiles was still Stiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! This fic is unedited, unbetaed, and was written very late at night, so please excuse any mistakes! I've been struggling to write lately, but the wonderful Carif and I started to talk about Void earlier this evening and this happened. I'm actually quite happy with how this turned out so I hope you all enjoyed it too! Kudos and comments make my day!
> 
> Love, Junie.
> 
> (find me on [tumblr](https://hopesilverheart.tumblr.com/))


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